19. I’m just a baby
At the ripe old age of 23, I know I am objectively not old. I am in my early twenties and sometimes I act like it. Other times, I’m convincing those around me that I’m an independent, capable adult. Some days I want to own the fact that I’m 23 with no major responsibilities other than maintaining relationships in my life, being good at my job, and doing things (like this) that make me happy. I also solely keep myself alive which is pretty crazy, I genuinely feed myself and put myself to bed every night and I pay my bills. How much more can I ask of myself? And when did I stop being five-years-old dancing in front of the TV watching Dancing With The Stars?*
In general, I get along well with people older than me which is great for advice and friendship, but not so great for nights out when they have children to feed and put to bed (pfft I do that for myself). Regardless of age, actual or perceived, your twenties can be discombobulating. There are times when you know you’re not alone, and other times when, age aside, you feel like you can’t relate to anyone. Sometimes I just want to act my literal age and not feel obliged to fit into the responsible good-girl box I’ve carved out for myself.
Because this has been going on for so long, people have certain ideas of who I am and what I am like. With lots of changes in my life recently, I have tried to restore the child in me and make mistakes willy-nilly. With the changes came certain instability, so why not embrace it and give myself a break?
I’ve been trapped lately within my mind like I’m living in a bubble that I forget to pop my head out to live more presently, to be in the moment. There are genuine adult pressures like rent, bills, financial security and showing up at your job. Yet I’m highly concerned with a million other things my brain doesn’t have space for. Things that will genuinely work themselves out. This isn’t solely tied to my age, I’m an anxious person, hence why leaning on my age more frequently is beneficial for my sanity.
I’m taking my literal age as a reminder that I’m not meant to know all the answers, not that many people are changing the world at 23 (I’m looking at you 22-year-old Billie Eilish). Honestly, when I see family and friends and tell them about the mundane things in my life they are happy enough with that and are glad I’m doing well. So why am I always looking ahead at things I can’t control?
When I think about my thirties, I can hardly expect the person I am age to know all the answers too. That would mean I have less than a decade to figure everything out! I can’t expect myself to transform into someone as wise and world-shaking as Oprah (ily Oprah). Besides, Oprah was 40 when she finally got her TV show, so why do we always feel like we’re running late? Okay wait I just Googled it, she was 32. Forget everything I just said, good luck out there.
*To answer that question, quite literally 18 years ago (Shock! Horror! Eye-cream!)
